It’s the Journey, Not the Number

The past two weeks I met stress and the verdict is still out on if I conquered it. Over-scheduling and multi-tasking are nothing new but a new job, a new home and a new age can be a bit cumbersome at 33.

No longer are schlepping boxes, meeting new people and waking-up in unfamiliar territory easy tasks to feel comfortable in. The body just isn’t as flexible, despite all the yoga, Pilates and dancing. Perhaps the memory needs to be worked on. For those of us that are sensitive, maybe leaving a house because there is one better suited does not always mean it’s easy to uproot.

Nonetheless, a new position and deciding to move are two choices we can make in life. Turning a year older however . . . well, it’s better than the alternative. I was recently inspired by Karlen Chase’s article, in which she counts what she has learned in the past 33 years, not so much the number of moves or gray hairs. So I decided to reflect on where I’ve called home for the past three decades and what I took away from my stays as I globe trotted.

New York State: Where life began and dreams were sprouted. Imagination got its start and Western New York is always home to go back to.

Ohio: Middle America. A roller coaster summer of awesomeness.

Dublin, Ireland: The closest place to heaven on Earth. The farther from home I got, the more people I met that were like me. Rosie cheeks, pints and tiny cigars. Stumbling upon a cottage George Bernard Shaw lived in during my usual hike up Dalkey Hill and going past the tower where Joyce wrote Ulysses because it was on my morning commute.

Rochester, NY: A first real (and still favorite apartment). Roving reporter. Real relationship. Good practice for life.

New York City: “Came here for school, graduated to the high life, Ball players, rap stars, addicted to the limelight, MDMA got you feeling like a champion, The city never sleeps better slip you a Ambien.” The Village and the Upper East Side, still a second home and where my heart is. Went there searching for life and got a story of a lifetime, friends forever and learned how to walk away.

Massachusetts: I didn’t want you. Serendipitous to have met certain people and two that moved there at the same time. Historical. Beautiful. Quiet.

Buffalo, NY: Apparently you can go home again, and pick up right where you left off. But this time, life is really fabulous and there are great friends, many laughs and expectations that I can’t even begin to map out because they are just going to be that good.

Single: Many aren’t afraid to tell me they always thought I’d be married by now. Sometimes I think it’s sad to admit I am incredibly happy because I am not, nor have I been, married. Perhaps it’s because I’m content and it’s hard to meet someone with the same life experiences. I’ve decided the latter is actually a great problem to have, because I’ve filled a life with lots of stories in a somewhat short period of time. I also have a hunch, what is around the corner will be worth the wait.

Gray: The plan is to age gracefully. Welcome gray hair because it will make me more distinguished and others will treat me with more respect. Wrong. The aforementioned is achieved in via mind and wisdom. Sure, presentation is important, but seeking that polished yet sexy Diane Sawyer look isn’t done by being natural. I recently went back to my roots – literally; and guess what, blonds do have more fun.

Coco Chanel wasn’t a simple girl

And neither am I

As yet another wedding season comes to a close (at least for my own personal calendar) I successfully absorbed and dealt with the awkward questions about my single-status. Seeming to always have a date, boyfriend or “roommate” in my twenties, I suppose it was just assume that marriage would be on the horizon.

Dates today often ask me, “Why have you never been married?” I usually pause and tactfully respond with something like, “I’ve had a few long-term relationships.” But sometimes I would really like to respond with the truth, “I’ve been asked twice and turned them down?” Or “I wasted some months in my early thirties with someone totally unmarriable?” Perhaps these latter responses would make me seem like a bitch, control freak or high maintenance so I refrain.

At the start of this season’s Grey’s Anatomy, the fictional character Dr. Christina Yang is recovering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and accepts a marriage proposal. Unlike her true character, she is entranced by the “simple” girls, grinning from ear-to-ear in their cookie cutter wedding gowns, showcased throughout the pages of supermarket bridal magazines. “I think you're either born simple or you’re not. I want to be the person who gets happy over finding the perfect dress.” she said.

Wouldn’t it be easy to have such a simplistic idea fill you with all the answers, happiness and goals fulfilled, even if for just a small amount of time?

Looking at some leading significant and single women, they were anything but simple. Coco Chanel changed fashion forever with an innovative and proud demeanor, ahead of her time. Oprah Winfrey never married and changed the way we view media. Former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is a professor, politician, diplomat and author. No matter what your political views are, there is no denying her credentials are impressive. Actress Cameron Diaz is gorgeous and never been married. Of course she has her critics because sadly, sometimes women are just jealous. Don’t forget Janis Joplin, a rocker ahead of her time with men answering to her when she was just in her mid-twenties.

All of these women could all be described as analytical, innovative and ambitious. So why is marriage still such institution that needs so much emphasis in 2010, especially when not everyone can legally marry in all U.S. states?

In my twenties, I never thought I’d get married. I guess I was correct. Growing up in Western New York, people get married very young and it’s not the norm to be highly educated, well traveled, sane, successful, normal and single; and for some reason this scrutiny is highlighted if you’re a woman.

Wanting to achieve a high level of education, move to New York City and travel the World, these goals squeezed out potential suitors in my own personal life. Is marriage still held to a higher regard because it’s just been considered the norm? What about a celebration for those choosing to follow their goals beyond graduations?

If you’re a single guy in or from WNY or comparable areas and get similar questions, please, write in!

Stay tuned next week for how to picnic in the chilly months!

Its not you, it's me

Being single, I often find myself sitting across from a stranger, trying to make something spark over a glass of something (insert wine, vodka or gin tonic, or if it’s really bad, vodka martini – straight up, dirty, with an olive). Once I was told I didn’t have to drink to be more interesting and my response, “I’m drinking to make you more interesting.” (This attitude could be why I never got married).

Not so long ago, being single wasn’t an unusual thing. In my 20s, being the single girl, I was admired or considered the norm. But about the time I starting growing out of studio apartments, and into a co-habitation situation, my friends starting getting married and soon enough, having babies. Fast-forward a few years, and I’m left with a garden gnome, a couple of marriage proposals and many life lessons.

More recently, I keep hearing that getting married is out. With the divorce rate at 50 percent and many not wanting to go through the pain and expense of the “starter marriage” I’m wondering if this is true. Has man (and woman) finally evolved passed marriage?

The wedding business is worth billions of dollars in the United States, and we’ll go to them, and believe in them, because doesn’t everyone want to feel they are in the presence of true love, according to a Wedding Crasher?

Moving back to my hometown and into yet, another apartment, I didn’t know what to do next in the love category; with these repeated revelations, I’m sort of relieved that I may not have to do anything at all. However, a part of me won’t let my belief system fall into the marriage naysayer category just yet. Who wouldn’t want a guaranteed someone in their life after a bad day at work, argument with a loved one or someone to take trips with?

The happiest time in my 30-something years was when I was making the smallest amount of money and living in the tiniest apartment. This probably wasn’t because I enjoyed getting creative with noodles and peanut butter sandwiches at dinners and drinking cheap beer, it was probably because I was meeting new people, seeing a life ahead of me that wasn’t pre-determined and wanting to go out there and take the necessary steps to be established.

It could be this excitement that lingers today, which is why I refuse to settle, waiting to be sitting across from that person that will make me say to myself, “this is why all those others didn’t work out.” That being said, I have a date to get ready for.